'H' to the 'A' to the 'M' to the 'S, T, A!'

About 3 months ago, grade 5 got a pet hamster. It is the teeny, tiniest thing I've ever seen! Having said that, I hardly ever see it because it is nocturnal! Every time I teach grade 5 I ask if the hamster has got a name yet, but it never has. This doesn't surprise me as the rabbits also have no names and one of them is 8 years old!

Today, at cleaning time, I helped out in the 5th grade classroom and was greeted by the joyous news that the hamster had been named. Yippee! It's called 'Hamu ski'. Dear Lord! So, the word for 'ham' in Japanese is 'hamu' and 'ski' means 'I like' so they have come up with an oh-so-funny play on the word 'hamster'. Dunno whether it's the hamster that likes ham, or the kid that named it? But, there you go, the little mite's name is 'Hamuski Hamster'. It sounds like a dodgy name of a 90's rap act to me!

At 9.45 this morning I found myself getting a little peckish so I delved into my bag for a kitkat only to find that it was not there. Eeeeek! I must have eaten it! Oh no! I'd got over 2 hours until lunchtime! So I decided to go for a wander around the school to take my mind off the hunger. Just as I stepped out of the teachers' room I heard a 'Sha-ri sensei!'. I turned around to see the 6th grade students waving at me to go into the cooking room. It turns out that they were having a cooking party! All my prayers had been answered!

As it was their last ever cooking lesson, the 6th graders had been allowed to make party food and then eat it all together. Well, you should have seen it! I thought I was a bad cook! The first thing I was given was a cream sandwich. Yep, you heard correctly, a CREAM sandwich! They had literally just squirted cream onto pieces of bread and then shoved another piece on top. Interesting! Actually, it wasn't as bad as I'd anticipated, but then again, it's also not something I intend on repeating! I was also given tacoyakki (octopus dumplings), bread dipped in raspberry juice, and crusts fried in oil and sugar. I honestly have no idea how I managed to keep my face from screwing up as I ate it and told them how delicious it was! And you should have seen them wolfing it all down! Crazy! Well, that'll teach me to forget me kitkat!

Have you put on weight?

Yesterday lunchtime, amongst the other minging foodstuffs on my tray, were two giant balls of konnyaku. Bbbbllllleeerrk!

Now, in small amounts, or in miso soup, I can eat this, but in big balls? No thank you! So I left them. All the teachers laughed at me coz they can't believe that anyone wouldn't want to eat this stuff.

So, for you guys at home, I looked up the definition of konnyaku and I got 'root nodule bacteria'. Not quite, but it does definitely taste like it could be that. LOL! It's a jelly that is made from the starch from the bulb of some plant. It has absolutely no taste at all and is just a chewy lump.

The school secretary was telling me how lots of women eat it coz it's great diet food. This does not surprise me! It doesn't really have any nutritional value at all. But it does expand in your digestive system making you feel full, and it also cleans toxins out of your intestines. Yuck! Gross but true!

Anyway, this talk of diets prompted the school nurse to ask me if I had put on weight since coming to Japan. I told her that yes, I have, to which she gave the response 'I thought so'. WHAAAAAAT! However, she continued to say that this was a good thing and that if I lost any weight whilst in Japan, as the school nurse, it would be her problem, so please don't do it. I had to laugh.

Palm reading.

When I was at the driving test centre the other day, during one of the many 'waiting around' stages of the process, my Japanese translator friend asked if he could look at my hand. I showed him my left hand (as he was sitting on my left side) and he proceeded to read my palm.

He told me that I would live a long life and would have a good marriage with a good husband. He then took a closer look at the base of my little finger and said that I will be getting married when I am 35.

I then asked him what it meant if the lines on both my hands are completely different, which future am I to believe? But he said that your left hand tells of your situation now, and the right hand is your future.

WAIT A MINUTE...didn't he just tell me that I was getting married at 35 from my left hand?!! I mentioned this to him and he asked to look at my right hand. I showed him and after looking at it for approximately 5 seconds he said that yes, as he thought, I will be getting married at 35, to a good husband, and will live a long and happy life! Hahahahahahaha! I had to laugh. I then asked him if he could tell whether I was going to get my licence today and he said that yes, I would. And I did. Must be true then!

licence day

Today I went to get my Japanese driving licence. This mostly involved lots of waiting around.

I set-off at 8am, along with a translator, to the test centre. We arrived at 9.10am and went to sign-in but were told by an angry-looking woman that foreigners can only sign-in after 9.30am and so to come back later. Eeeeek! As if I wasn't nervous enough! This woman looked at me like she wanted to kill me!

At 9.30am we went back and signed-in. I gave all my documents to the woman and went and sat in the waiting area. She said at would be another hour.

After about 30 minutes she came out and gave me some forms to fill-in. These asked questions like; Did I attend a driving school in England? How many lessons did I have? How much did it cost? Was my test on a course or on the streets? How far was the test (in METERS)? etc. I did this, with the help of my translator friend and then handed the forms back to scary 'I hate foreigners' lady.

After another 15 minutes a smiley, old man came out and asked if he could interview me. My heart leapt! 1) it was not super scary evil woman, and 2) he was cute and smiley - I can work with this!

He asked me a couple of questions from the form I filled in, but in more detail. He was very impressed with how expensive my lessons had been in England and how many I had taken. He said it must be difficult to pass in the UK. Of course I agreed, wholeheartedly! The interview only lasted 5 minutes and thanks to my friend P, who had previously translated all my answers for me, I was able to answer them all by myself and not look like too much of a tit.

After the interview I waited for another 10 minutes and was then told to go downstairs and pay 4500 yen (about £30) and to fill in some more forms about my general health and stuff. One of the questions was whether I had fallen asleep at work. Hahahahaha! Almost!

More waiting. 20 minutes later I had an eye test and then had a photo taken on a swanky machine. The smiley bloke asked me if I wanted a few pictures and to choose the best one, but I said no, anything will do if I can have a licence!

More waiting. After another 30 minutes smiley came out and presented me with a beautiful Japanese licence with my mug-shot on it. WoO-HoO! ご苦労様でしたto me!

Sundays

I love Sundays. Sunday means a long lie-in, having a cappacino or two and reading a good book until lunchtime, watching some TV, having a powernap, and phoning my mum back home. Lazy and lovely.

However, yesterday I was rudely awakened at 7.30am by an announcement on the village tannoy system. God, that thing is LOUD! And they deemed the message so important that they played it twice, so it literally went on for a full 5 minutes! The message was informing everyone that at 9.00am at the community centre there was going to be a talk on "woruku rifu baransu". WHAT?!?!?!?! WORK/LIFE BALANCE! At 7.30 on a Sunday morning! I'll give them bloody work/life balance! Needless to say, I did not attend the meeting!

Big balls.

When we opened the local paper at school yesterday there was a big picture of the janitor from my other school in there(he is also head of the PTA at this school). It turns out that he has formed a band with the bloke that comes round selling stationary supplies. Half-way through reading the article (or rather, having one of the teachers read it to me) I burst out laughing. The name of their band is 'Big Ball Concert Dream' which they shorten to either 'BBCD' or 'Big Ball'. I was in hysterics! I then had to explain my amusement to the other teachers. Awkward! (the perfect word to describe this, thanks Gemma.)

I later saw the stationary bloke at school and the teachers couldn't wait to inform him of my interpretation of the band's name. OMIGOD! His face! Luckily, after the initial shock, he found the whole thing amusing (don't think the janitor will though!) He then told me why they (and by that read 'the janior') had chosen this name:

1. Ohtama (the village where I live) is built on the site where a precious stone was dug-up many years ago. When you actually got to the little museum here and see the jewel that everyone is so proud of, it's actually just a big marble! Anyway, literally, 'Oo' (or 'Oh' as they like to mis-spell it around here) means 'big', and 'tama' means 'bead' or 'ball'. And as the janitor is so proud of his English skills, he wanted an English band name and decided to translate the name of the village into English.

2. He then thought that he was being incredibly clever by changing the alphabet from 'ABCD' to 'BBCD' and so added 'Concert Dream'. However, I just found this even more amusing because now it sounds like a Chippendale-style strip show.

How I laughed! It has also kept all the teachers giggling for the last 2 days too.

Dreams come true together!

On Tuesday we had the 6th graders graduation party. This is not the actual graduation ceremony (that will be on the last day of term) but a party with all the teachers, parents, and the PTA.

When I arrived at school at 7.30am I found a giant party popper on my desk. And by giant, I mean HUUUUUUUUUUGE! The streamers inside were 3 meters long! Apparntly it was called 'DOM!', which even sounds monstrous!

It was explained to me that during the party everyone will shout the phrase 'Dreams come true together!' and after that I have to let off the 'DOM!'. Me and another teacher were in charge of the 'DOMs' and they were going to be a big surprise for everyone. I was told that they made a massive noise that hurt your ears. Great! This was gonna be fun! I'm going to hide at the back of the gym and then blast my 'DOM!' and scare the shit out of the kids! I had all morning to contemplate which child I was gonna aim mine at!

At 2.00pm each teacher was collected by a 6th grade chaperone and led to the gym. So, off I go with my little escort and 'DOM!' hidden up my jumper.

In the gym we were all shown to our seats. Each table seats 6 people - 2 students, 2 teachers, and 2 parents or PTA members. First there was the usual 10 minutes of speeches. Then we got down to the serious business of eating cakes and sweets and having the same old eating conversation; 'oishii ne.' 'oishii ne.' 'hai, oishii.' 'oishiiiiii!'

After the eating it was game time. Teachers vs. everyone else. The first game was a relay race where you had to hold a balloon between 2 people and run around a small obsticle course. That was pretty simple, but the second race was crazy! There were 2 members of the PTA stood on chairs and holding a washing line up at arms length. Attached to said washing line were bags of bread. In pairs, you had to run to the washing line and with your partner, get the bread from the washing line using your mouth. Panic struck into the hearts of every teacher in the gym! Firstly, none of them wanted to do it and make a tit out of themselves, and the ones that did, didn't want a partner because they don't do physical contact. Looks like it's just me and the Head Teacher then! He came to me and asked if I would mind if he gave me a piggy-back. WOULD I MIND?!! HELL NO! So off we go. We didn't win the race, but we got to keep the bread. Good times!

The games over, we go back to our tables and then it is announced that the teachers are going to sing a song and I am ushered to the stage. WHAAAAAT! It's the first I'd heard of this! A song sheet is thrust into my hands and the music starts. Luckily, the song is quite slow so I can keep up with the Japanese (and I made the tune up as I went). There was also a section of the song where the men sang the words and the women did a lot of 'ra, ra, ra's' so that was cool. I was especially good at that bit! The chorus was in English though, and here is where I twigged - the words were 'Dreams come true together.' Out comes 'DOM!' At the end of the song some of the teachers hold up a big banner with the phrase written on it and we all shout 'Dreams come true together!' at which point I let off 'DOM!' What a dissapointment! A slight 'pop' is all, and the 3 metres of streamers come out in one big ball and land at my feet. Booooooooooo! Still, everyone else seems to think this was a success and we are all ushered back to our seats to the sound of great applause.

Now was time for the kids. First they sang a song and then came the band. The band is my absolute favourite part of the school! I don't know why I love it so much? Maybe because I don't understand Japanese and the kids don't understand English so we communicate best through music. Whatever it is, I love it. They played for about 8 minutes, and the kids that didn't do the instruments were doing all the flag-waving and marching stuff. About half-way through, they played 'Oh when the saints come marching in'. It was at this point that I suddenly gained a different perspective. It was like having an out-of-body experience. I suddenly was looking at the kids in a different light. I realised that they were still only babies and yet they were playing better than any 16 year olds in England would. It was at this point that I started to cry. Blarting! I couldn't believe it! I don't even like 'Oh when the saints!'

To make matters worse, after the band, all the teachers were given presents by the students. I got a plant and a hand-made pencil case. Cue more tears and a very embarased 6th grader who was getting a big, squishy hug whether they liked it or not!

A couple more speeches from the PTA and we were sent on our way. All the teachers had to walk under a tunnel made by the students' arms. Damn! Just as I was pulling myself together!

I'm sad I won't be around for the real graduation ceremony (I will have already been in England for 3 days by then) but on the other hand, it'll save me a fortune in kleenex!

This party was at my stricter school, where I don't know the kids that well, and especially the 6th graders. I can only imagine what a mess I'll be in 2 weeks time when I have the party at my favourite school, with my favourite kids ever!